My Greatest Weakness: Mouth Guards

I like to think, Dear Reader, that I am a person of, at minimum, average level intelligence. However, every now and then something happens that gives me the feeling that even a circle is sharper than I am. Case in point: Wrestlers and their teeth. Specifically, Shinsuke Nakamura and his teeth.

When I first got into New Japan, Nakamura was still a member of the roster (though his tenure would soon come to an end). I also watched a fair number of old New Japan events online to catch up with who was who, faction histories, etc. One of the first things I remember thinking about Nakamura is “Huh, he has no teeth.” I would see close-ups of him during matches and there would always be a solid black line where his teeth would normally be. I thought it looked kind of odd, and my brain just assumed he’s lost his teeth as part of his MMA exploits, some match with a crazy stipulation, through an accident or who knows what and never bothered to get any kind of replacement. It never occurred to me that the man was wearing a mouth guard until I saw him spit one out either during or after a match (It’s been awhile. I can’t remember what I had for dinner yesterday, much less something like this).

"He looks crazy enough to bite, but that shouldn't be an issue!" - Me, to Myself, probably.

I very much had an “Oh, I am a complete moron” moment, eyes going wide, mouth opening slightly, and head tilting in realization as the proverbial light bulb went off. But, dear reader, that is not the end of the story. Oh no. For some reason, when it comes to recognizing mouth guards, especially ones that are solely black, as Nakamura often wears (or wore? I don’t follow WWE much and haven’t seen him wrestle in a while), my brain STILL immediately goes “Huh, that man has no teeth” (or “Huh, that man has weird teeth” when the guard is all, or mostly, white). Even after I had my revelation about Nakamura and his mouth guard, so many times after, when I saw him (I followed him pretty closely when he made the jump to NXT) my brain would go “Huh, he has no teeth.” To my slight credit, a less broken part of me would usually chime in after a minute or two with “No, dummy, he’s wearing a mouth guard!” but that fact that he just didn’t have teeth being immediately where my brain always went even after realizing the truth has always kind of made me worry about myself and my powers of observation and logical thinking.

For some time though, things were ok. As I said, I don’t follow WWE very closely so I don’t see Nakamura as much anymore and my brain didn’t have a chance to fail at recalling information it had previously taken in. And then, in 2021, enter Kosei Fujita. 

"Is it punk not to have teeth now?" Me, to Myself, also probably.

I don’t know exactly when Fujita started wearing a mouth guard, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t have a moment where I looked at him during a match and thought to myself “Huh, he has no teeth.” This time I think I assumed it was part of the punk persona. Once again, it took seeing him actually remove the mouth guard to realize my perception was wrong. I’ve seen more than enough pictures and videos of this man talking where his teeth are clearly visible, but whatever is broken inside of me still goes “Huh, no teeth” whenever he has a mouth guard in.

I have no idea what is wrong with me. I suppose in the grand scheme of things it’s not a big deal; the only way I can ever see it really affecting me is if I end up as a less than credible witness to a crime because I insist the perpetrator had no teeth. I can almost see this being a plot point in a Nero Wolfe mystery. Also, for science, I want Yota Tsuji to start wearing a black mouth guard. Will my mind really go “Huh, he has no teeth.” to a man who is as famous for his smile as his wrestling ability? I both desperately do and do not want to know.

Could a mouth guard as pitch black as the darkest corners of the universe even dim those shining pearly whites?