What You Say Really Matters

“Never do that again Cole, there’s people listening.” - Wade Barrett during the Women’s Royal Rumble

The above quote made me laugh and inspired today's post.

 The quality of commentary can have such a major impact on pro-wrestling. It’s not necessary for enjoyment, as attending a live event makes clear, but it can greatly enhance or detract from the experience when watching on TV or streaming. Good commentary can elevate an average match to good and great to legendary. Conversely, bad commentary belittles, if not ruins, a match; it can distract from talent and even harm careers.

There have been many times over the years where poor commentary has made me reach for (or want to reach for in instances when it was not me in control of the remote) the mute button. Every time Jerry Lawler so much as mentioned women during the Attitude Era filled me with disgust and my brain tried to transform his voice to sound like a teacher from the “Peanuts” cartoons. Michael Cole’s tenure at attempting to be a heel announcer had a few bright spots, but was mostly a painful experience for the ears. Annoyance at the quality of commentary was also one of the contributing factors of WWE defeating WCW in the Monday Night Wars in my family’s household. With that background, and having not particularly liked listening to Pat McAfee during previous commentary stints, I was pleasantly surprised to find I enjoyed most of the commentary for the Royal Rumble, and it never reached a level below tolerable for me.

As for my regular viewing habits, New Japan is the only company whose broadcasts I watch regularly anymore. I don’t perfectly understand the Japanese commentary when I choose that option, but I understand enough to know that they mostly play it straight and treat matches like serious sporting ordeals (Milano Collection A.T.’s forays into silliness a rare, but beloved, exception). When wrestlers join in as guest commentators, they tend to stay in character and also generally play it straight. English commentary, on the other hand, can be hit or miss for me. Generally it hits, but recent misses are starting to grate on my nerves.

The first annoyance is in matches involving Dick Togo when he jumps off the turnbuckle to deliver a low blow. Though the person getting the blow is usually being held upside down, so perhaps a reverse low blow is a better term for it? If there is an actual name for this move, I would like to learn what it is as I am pretty sure that I would like it better than what the English commentary team has dubbed it. They call it “Dick to dick contact.” Ugh. I suppose it could be worse, and a silly heel move having a silly name makes at least some sense.

The one that I really hate though, is what they call a move of Douki’s. Japanese commentary refers to the move as “Italian Stretch #32”. It’s a version of an armbar, the name referencing Milano Collection A.T.’s usage of the move during his career. The English commentary team, meanwhile, refers to it as the “Douki Choky.” Get it? It's cute because it rhymes. Ugh, again. I maybe should give them credit for intending a play on words. On the one hand, Douki is choking his opponents with the move. On the other hand, choky is an older slag term for prison, and, since Douki locks the move in, it is essentially imprisoning his opponent. However, based on the way commentary says it, I don’t think that much thought went into it. I imagine someone realizing it rhymed and the whole team reacted like SpongeBob and Patrick to the numbers 24 and 25.

Clearly a hilarious move deserving of a silly name.

Even if a clever thought was behind the name, it still sounds ridiculous and makes what is supposed to be a (as I understand from Japanese commentary) powerful move in Douki’s arsenal sound too silly. It also does not fit with his persona. Someone like Yano having a move with a silly name makes sense; being absurd is part of his shtick. But Douki is the Evil of Japan. Even if he has chilled out a little in the switch from Suzuki-gun to Just 4 Guys* (then 5, then back to 4 (though now technically 2)), he’s in no way a comedy wrestler and shouldn’t be talked about like one. Characterization in storytelling matters, damn it! Maybe I’ve become picky as an adult watching wrestling, but I know what I like and I do not like that name. The sole thing I will not miss about Douki during his absence recovering from injury is hearing this move referred to by such a stupid name.

*As I said in a previous post, I miss the metal pipe.